I think every person has someone in their life that refuses to disappear completely. Be it someone you have a history with that proves unforgettable, someone you just can't seem to let go of, or someone you can't get rid of (or someone maybe you just don't want to get rid of). I know someone just like that, and to me it is a mixture of all three.
R was a boy who, when I first met him, I did not think he would become an integral part of my life. At all. In fact, the only reason we ever met was because he had feelings for my roommate, K. K has had a boyfriend for five years (one of those high school romances that lasts - very rare, so it is very special), and while I knew K was swaying back and forth, ultimately she decided R was not someone she wanted. This swaying took a four to five month period, and during that time R and I became quite inseparable. R was the kind of friend you talked with every day, either online, on the phone, or in person - they just were never not there. I have very few straight male friends, so this was a unique friendship for me, and I enjoyed it immensely. Too much, in fact. Soon I realized that I had developed feelings for R along the way. I, of course, said nothing. In fact I continually gave him advice on how to win my roommate, because I knew he really, truly deeply had feelings for her and her relationship with her boyfriend was becoming very strained at this point.
Drunkenly one night, after K and I had had a talk, and I had come clean about my feelings for R, I spilled the beans to him. His response was that he had had the same feelings for me, and even his father had told him that I was the one for him. I was so floored. R is one of the most handsome boys I have ever hung out with (he was so charming and had this old-fashioned flair for romance that I found totally enthralling). I am not a beautiful woman at all, and I know this and have accepted it over the years, but for some reason he made me think that I was beautiful enough to be with him.
Looking back now, I know that the way in which I am beautiful is much more desirable than the way he looks. He ended up spending the night with me a few times (no sex, simply cuddling and sleeping...the old-fashioned 'taking it slow' that I loved and admired), hiding gifts in my sheets (dvds I would like, etc.), calling me 'beautiful'...I didn't hear from him for a few days, and found out he had gone back to be with is ex-girlfriend. I was floored again - this time heartbroken. We weren't officially dating, I was too afraid to bring it up and still believed I was not good enough to be his actual girlfriend. I wrote him a scathing email saying how hurt I was that he did not even find me worthy of an apology or letting me know he was leaving, even as his friends, since we once were good friends. I received nothing back. R had turned into this ugly guy who had stomped all over me - and it made me see that maybe I wasn't super-model beautiful, but I would never betray a person like that, friend or otherwise.
That was two years ago...the whole situation lasted 6 or 7 months. Did I love him? I think I did. He was the first man I had feelings for after my rough breakup with N the year before, and I could tell his friendship was starting to put me back together in some ways. We have gone through periods where we have tried to be friends again, but I just can't stomach the idea of us hanging out. I've gained weight since then, and while we would just be friends, the idea of being ugly in his eyes makes me feel nauseous, which is so shallow...but a huge part of me wants him to think he made a huge mistake with me. Just because I have come to the realization that looks aren't everything, I'm not sure R feels the same way. Those attempts have always failed (my friends and family are thankful for that, they hate him for what he did), but I am always left feeling disappointed.
He recently left a comment on my page on facebook (not exactly reaching out, but enough to make me stare at the page for a minute debating to respond or not, which I didn't). I don't understand this cycle we have - have I completely villianized him because of what he did to the point where when I think that he knows how much I was into him and only wants me to hang onto this crazy hope of him realizing his mistake to fuel his own ego? Or does he not see what happened between us as a big deal, and is simply reaching out to an old friend? I don't know...all I know is that it makes me sick to think of us becoming friends again, because I know that it can't go over well...the person he was (I've heard from his friends that he is usually not such a nice guy, so I don't know if I was being played or seeing underneath his mask) is someone I still think about sometimes.
I know I am at fault also...it'd be so much easier if I just cut him out. Deleted him from my phone, deleted him from my friend list, just totally cut him out of my life...but I never do. At the same time I think that the whole thing has made me value my personality more, knowing I would never stoop to such awful levels or be such an awful person. I might be missing the bigger picture, I am sure...but when you're involved in it, it's hard to see everything.
