It's been forever since I have posted anything. I went a long time where I was convinced I was changing myself and thought that I didn't need to get anything off my chest because I was doing fine, fine, fine. Turns out, I'm back where I started.
I started a New Years Resolution jag that lasted about 3 months, and in some ways I'm still dealing. I have successfully given up soda and McDonald's food. I can proudly say it has been four months and 10 days since my last Coke. On the other hand, my struggle with healthy eating took a nosedive in March, and now I'm just back to my normal terrible habits. My daydreams of a Minka Kelly bikini body by June are gone up in a puff of smoke.
I'm still a barista, and after graduating I haven't gotten any interviews in my field of study at all. Part of me is disappointed (those four years were for nothing, except I can have a great conversation about the Baroque period...) and the other part is thinking 'well, what the hell did you expect? You love art, but you have no passion for teaching anyone about it.' I'm dabbling in the thought of going to get my Associates in Nursing, but I'm struggling with the thought that maybe I'm doing it because I am lost and feel completely confused about how I want to live my life.
My friend K is going through a really hard time...her brother unexpectedly passed away and now her dad is struggling with kidney failure. I've tried to help her out, but feel like I'm not doing enough...how do you help someone when they are going through such a horror that they probably feel beyond help? I've been secretly doing some kitchen stuff for her so that when she comes back from her father's deathbed she will have something other than a new apartment filled with boxes, but it's kind of a risky maneuver. It makes me realize that being a good friend is easy when things are smooth-sailing, but when life takes one of you for a nose-dive being a friend is an uphill battle. I'm hoping I'll be inspired to assist her more when she gets back into town. I'm trying to think of some hobbies maybe we can start together, that way she'll have more to fill her time than just work. Her boyfriend N is really being supportive, and even though I have been upset at how their relationship has played out a few times (they had a VERY LDR for a while, and I was afraid he was neglecting her) I think that they are really going to make it. Maybe even get married soon...I know this sounds old-fashioned, but it would make me so happy to know that he would always be there to take care of her after all of this.
A is getting married in three weeks - hard to believe that one of my friends will be a Mrs before too long. I'm so happy for her, and I know she is excited and anxious but I think she will be a fantastic wife. Another couple I think is in it for the long-haul. It's so rare to see couples you really believe in these days, and to think the two that I know are high school sweethearts makes me think that sometimes romance wins.
My friend H has moved back home to live with her parents about an hour or so away and has taken a job as a secretary. Her plans to finish school have been put on hold, and surprisingly I support that decision. I don't think college is for everyone, and I really appreciate the way that she has forged her own path instead of doing what everyone expects people our age to do.
The itsy-bitsy tiny little flutter I talked about in my last post? Not happening. I realized the age difference is too much, even though it's only three years. There's a difference, though, between 20 and 23, especially when the guy is in a totally different mindset than me. Of course I want to have fun and be spontaneous, no relationship would be worth it if there wasn't that aspect, but I'm also ready to be serious and be with someone who is my equal. I do realize, of course, that I have some work to do before I'm ready for a relationship. I used to think that I needed a guy to be happy, but now I'm realizing that I won't be happy until I'm happy with myself.
To do that, I'm gonna have to put a lot of work into myself. Is it awful that looking at it that way makes me feel exhausted and defeated?
