Forever is a long time...

It's been forever since I have posted anything. I went a long time where I was convinced I was changing myself and thought that I didn't need to get anything off my chest because I was doing fine, fine, fine. Turns out, I'm back where I started.

I started a New Years Resolution jag that lasted about 3 months, and in some ways I'm still dealing. I have successfully given up soda and McDonald's food. I can proudly say it has been four months and 10 days since my last Coke. On the other hand, my struggle with healthy eating took a nosedive in March, and now I'm just back to my normal terrible habits. My daydreams of a Minka Kelly bikini body by June are gone up in a puff of smoke.

I'm still a barista, and after graduating I haven't gotten any interviews in my field of study at all. Part of me is disappointed (those four years were for nothing, except I can have a great conversation about the Baroque period...) and the other part is thinking 'well, what the hell did you expect? You love art, but you have no passion for teaching anyone about it.' I'm dabbling in the thought of going to get my Associates in Nursing, but I'm struggling with the thought that maybe I'm doing it because I am lost and feel completely confused about how I want to live my life.

My friend K is going through a really hard time...her brother unexpectedly passed away and now her dad is struggling with kidney failure. I've tried to help her out, but feel like I'm not doing enough...how do you help someone when they are going through such a horror that they probably feel beyond help? I've been secretly doing some kitchen stuff for her so that when she comes back from her father's deathbed she will have something other than a new apartment filled with boxes, but it's kind of a risky maneuver. It makes me realize that being a good friend is easy when things are smooth-sailing, but when life takes one of you for a nose-dive being a friend is an uphill battle. I'm hoping I'll be inspired to assist her more when she gets back into town. I'm trying to think of some hobbies maybe we can start together, that way she'll have more to fill her time than just work. Her boyfriend N is really being supportive, and even though I have been upset at how their relationship has played out a few times (they had a VERY LDR for a while, and I was afraid he was neglecting her) I think that they are really going to make it. Maybe even get married soon...I know this sounds old-fashioned, but it would make me so happy to know that he would always be there to take care of her after all of this.

A is getting married in three weeks - hard to believe that one of my friends will be a Mrs before too long. I'm so happy for her, and I know she is excited and anxious but I think she will be a fantastic wife. Another couple I think is in it for the long-haul. It's so rare to see couples you really believe in these days, and to think the two that I know are high school sweethearts makes me think that sometimes romance wins.

My friend H has moved back home to live with her parents about an hour or so away and has taken a job as a secretary. Her plans to finish school have been put on hold, and surprisingly I support that decision. I don't think college is for everyone, and I really appreciate the way that she has forged her own path instead of doing what everyone expects people our age to do.

The itsy-bitsy tiny little flutter I talked about in my last post? Not happening. I realized the age difference is too much, even though it's only three years. There's a difference, though, between 20 and 23, especially when the guy is in a totally different mindset than me. Of course I want to have fun and be spontaneous, no relationship would be worth it if there wasn't that aspect, but I'm also ready to be serious and be with someone who is my equal. I do realize, of course, that I have some work to do before I'm ready for a relationship. I used to think that I needed a guy to be happy, but now I'm realizing that I won't be happy until I'm happy with myself.

To do that, I'm gonna have to put a lot of work into myself. Is it awful that looking at it that way makes me feel exhausted and defeated?

Maybe a little, tiny, itsy, bitsy flutter...

So I've decided against showing H my blog for the time being - there is just so much personal stuff on here (for me, anyway), and if I want to keep using it as a safe place for me to air my true feelings, than it should stay that way for me. Totally private and separate from my real life, like a refuge. I'm going to be spending a couple of nights at her place later this week to keep her mind off of this whole break up thing...mostly because I know how awful being in that place is, and I know how being alone suddenly brings out all these doubts and vulnerabilities that aren't there when you're with your friends.

So I have a new crush - a super small one, seeing as how I don't know the guy very well. He's cute and funny and a genuinely nice guy (all the first three checks on my 'list'), but there is just one problem...his age is so distracting! He's three years younger than me, and it's totally throwing me off. My self esteem is way too low to even consider the fact that he could ever even find me attractive, so it's not like I'm all heart-heart over the guy, but just the fact that if something DID happen, his age throws a kink into any and all plans. Is it creepy to date someone three years younger? I feel like I have sewn all my wild oats (barely any wild oats in this girl, really) and am at the time where I'm looking for something 'real'...I don't think he's at that place yet, and I doubt I could deal with the doubts of dating someone who wants to 'experience' college. The situation seems kind of hopeless, so he isn't even getting a letter to represent him in this blog yet. So we'll see how that goes...I'm not hopeful.

I did write the prologue for my new novel adventure, though...my first attempt at a novel was so wrought with complexities and totally over my head that I barely made it to double digit chapters. With this one the idea is original but still simple enough for me to really put myself into it without feeling like I'm beating a dead horse verbally. I'd love to ask one of my friends to edit and give feedback, but I just feel weird opening myself up like that...if they didn't like it, they'd never have the heart to tell me, and while I love my friends dearly, they are all either too busy to read for pleasure and I'd feel weird invading their lives like that in order for me to even decide if this novel is something that should be finished or shelved. I'm going to try to write a few more chapters in the next few months, I have a feeling when I graduate I will have all the time I need to get my creative juices flowing! ;)

Hesitation

It's been a while since I've written, and while I'd like to think it's because my life has just become this rote thing which I'm kind of moving through but mostly observing, I'm also kind of lazy. Lately I haven't been really feeling like myself. I've been sick for the last few days, but I'm also just feeling kind of run down. It's like I go to work, I go to school, I occasionally see my friends, but inside it's like I'm watching a movie where I'm eagerly awaiting a kind of climax, or an 'exciting incident', and nothing happens. Like the entire movie so far is kind of a let down, but the movie itself still has some things I'm willing to sit through it for. I think it's a slump.

My romantic life has fallen to absolutely nothing - I don't have any crushes even at this point. Well, that could be a lie, but whereas my last crush was too old, this one is probably a little too young. And it isn't a crush, but it's just been a while since I've hung out with a straight guy that hasn't disappointed me within the first few encounters. I know it is a broad generalization, but guys my age right now are close to disgusting me with their shallowness. The point is there is nothing there, no blips on my radar, no fluttery heart sensations.

School and work are going fine. Just fine...nothing to write home about (or write here about) other than the fact that my graduation date is coming closer and closer. I desperately want to graduate, just to be rid of this awful routine I find myself in every day, but at the same time I still haven't mustered up any good ideas for what I'm going to do with myself as of December 13th.

My friend H has been having relationship problems, and I believe there was a breakup. This stupid sickness has kept me from going out and getting all the details, but I'm pretty sure they put an end to their relationship. I'm torn about it...H is an amazing woman, with a ton of potential, and deserves to be loved by a guy with a huge heart. W (her boyfriend) loves her so much, and I can of course see that, but I'm not sure if he is strong enough to be what she needs. H needs an equal, a partner - not a protector or 'guardian' figure. And I think W needs a woman who will depend on him, because I think W is a guy who is good at paying the knight in shining armor. I'm hoping they will come to some compromise and get back together...as much as I know H is a strong woman, I also know this is hurtful to her. She's good at giving us her tough side, but I'm way too much of a sap to not believe that she's hurting.

So that's where the hesitation comes in. I'm thinking of showing her this blog. Which may seem like an immediate mistake for many reasons...one being that I mistakenly thought they were moving in together months ago and that wasn't the case, so that post is kind of misleading. Also I don't want her to read his name and have any feelings she might have been trying to suppress come racing to the surface and upset her. But I think it could have some good impact - I think it's always really helpful to read about someone you're close with who has been in similar situations as yourself, and I think that the fact that I would be willing to let her read this very personal, and very private, blog would let her know that she has friends that love her very much and are close enough to trust her with that. I think that trust would really make her feel good right now.

So I hesitate to give her the URL to this...but at the same time I wonder if it would be a good idea. I'd feel bad if it upset her, and feel embarrassed if she didn't get why I would give it to her. For now I'll probably just focus on getting better, and being for her in person rather than giving her some depressing reading material.

I'm also looking to start a new diet (I'm a whale and my friends are too small to not let my fragile self esteem go off the deep end), so any suggestions would be great! I'm thinking about a smoothie diet, because those fill my stomach up for hours...also maybe a temporary lip stitching to keep me from binging on late night snacks (my worst enemy).

R

I think every person has someone in their life that refuses to disappear completely. Be it someone you have a history with that proves unforgettable, someone you just can't seem to let go of, or someone you can't get rid of (or someone maybe you just don't want to get rid of). I know someone just like that, and to me it is a mixture of all three.

R was a boy who, when I first met him, I did not think he would become an integral part of my life. At all. In fact, the only reason we ever met was because he had feelings for my roommate, K. K has had a boyfriend for five years (one of those high school romances that lasts - very rare, so it is very special), and while I knew K was swaying back and forth, ultimately she decided R was not someone she wanted. This swaying took a four to five month period, and during that time R and I became quite inseparable. R was the kind of friend you talked with every day, either online, on the phone, or in person - they just were never not there. I have very few straight male friends, so this was a unique friendship for me, and I enjoyed it immensely. Too much, in fact. Soon I realized that I had developed feelings for R along the way. I, of course, said nothing. In fact I continually gave him advice on how to win my roommate, because I knew he really, truly deeply had feelings for her and her relationship with her boyfriend was becoming very strained at this point.

Drunkenly one night, after K and I had had a talk, and I had come clean about my feelings for R, I spilled the beans to him. His response was that he had had the same feelings for me, and even his father had told him that I was the one for him. I was so floored. R is one of the most handsome boys I have ever hung out with (he was so charming and had this old-fashioned flair for romance that I found totally enthralling). I am not a beautiful woman at all, and I know this and have accepted it over the years, but for some reason he made me think that I was beautiful enough to be with him.

Looking back now, I know that the way in which I am beautiful is much more desirable than the way he looks. He ended up spending the night with me a few times (no sex, simply cuddling and sleeping...the old-fashioned 'taking it slow' that I loved and admired), hiding gifts in my sheets (dvds I would like, etc.), calling me 'beautiful'...I didn't hear from him for a few days, and found out he had gone back to be with is ex-girlfriend. I was floored again - this time heartbroken. We weren't officially dating, I was too afraid to bring it up and still believed I was not good enough to be his actual girlfriend. I wrote him a scathing email saying how hurt I was that he did not even find me worthy of an apology or letting me know he was leaving, even as his friends, since we once were good friends. I received nothing back. R had turned into this ugly guy who had stomped all over me - and it made me see that maybe I wasn't super-model beautiful, but I would never betray a person like that, friend or otherwise.

That was two years ago...the whole situation lasted 6 or 7 months. Did I love him? I think I did. He was the first man I had feelings for after my rough breakup with N the year before, and I could tell his friendship was starting to put me back together in some ways. We have gone through periods where we have tried to be friends again, but I just can't stomach the idea of us hanging out. I've gained weight since then, and while we would just be friends, the idea of being ugly in his eyes makes me feel nauseous, which is so shallow...but a huge part of me wants him to think he made a huge mistake with me. Just because I have come to the realization that looks aren't everything, I'm not sure R feels the same way. Those attempts have always failed (my friends and family are thankful for that, they hate him for what he did), but I am always left feeling disappointed.

He recently left a comment on my page on facebook (not exactly reaching out, but enough to make me stare at the page for a minute debating to respond or not, which I didn't). I don't understand this cycle we have - have I completely villianized him because of what he did to the point where when I think that he knows how much I was into him and only wants me to hang onto this crazy hope of him realizing his mistake to fuel his own ego? Or does he not see what happened between us as a big deal, and is simply reaching out to an old friend? I don't know...all I know is that it makes me sick to think of us becoming friends again, because I know that it can't go over well...the person he was (I've heard from his friends that he is usually not such a nice guy, so I don't know if I was being played or seeing underneath his mask) is someone I still think about sometimes.

I know I am at fault also...it'd be so much easier if I just cut him out. Deleted him from my phone, deleted him from my friend list, just totally cut him out of my life...but I never do. At the same time I think that the whole thing has made me value my personality more, knowing I would never stoop to such awful levels or be such an awful person. I might be missing the bigger picture, I am sure...but when you're involved in it, it's hard to see everything.

Soulmates?

I know a lot of people that believe in soulmates, and I also know a lot that don't. My opinion is wavering in-between, I love the idea of soulmates, but also at the same time I am seeing the climbing divorce rates and am struck with the thought - maybe soulmates exist, but are we able to find them? And suppose we do find them, is it really our significant other, or is it the friends we make trying to find the believed soulmate?

I have a number of close friends, and a few of them I definitely believe are somehow connected to me in a very important way. They take me as I am, flaws and all, and we are pretty open with one another. Boys have come and gone (not all of then, two of them have had steady boyfriends for years), drama has come in and ransacked the group, but the stragglers always manage to hang tough, and I am so thankful for that. That being said, could these girls be my real soulmates? They are the ones who have helped me through my heartbreaks, given me advice and taken my mind of my romantic failings.

Or, I guess I can see the other side of the coin - will I ever meet the man that is both my significant other AND my best friend? Or will there always be this disconnect...my man on one side and my girls on the other, until one day my girls have to heal me once again after a fallout. I'm sure my boyfriend/fiance/husband could always comfort me after a fight with one of my girlfriends, but the thought of losing a dear friend is a hurt that I can't find comparable to a break up with a boyfriend.

In the end, I don't think it matters. Soulmates are this wonderful romantic notion that I just love to death - the thought that someone out there in the world who is perfectly made for you. Every flaw you have is compounded with someone else being the perfect fit. If you're high maintenance, he'll be able to maintain you. If you're stubborn, he'll be either laid back enough to let you steer or have the strength to make you see reason. I love the idea that someone out there is, right now, thinking of his soulmate and he doesn't even know it is me yet. But, as much of a romantic as I am, I'm also able to be realistic. I think fighting between a couple is a sign that there is passion and the ability to compromise (I say fighting, not constant bickering, which I think is annoying and is a slow wear and tear on a relationship), and I can't imagine two soulmates fighting very much.

I'm going to post a poll - do you believe in soulmates? I don't think anyone reads this, but if you do, weigh in on it and maybe we'll see who wins: realistics or romantics.

Always the Bridesmaid...wait...

So it is official as of yesterday - A asked me to be a bridesmaid for her wedding. I have been to three weddings my whole life, one as a young girl, one as a slightly older girl, and one as a young woman. I'm excited to be a part of the process. A is one of my closest and dearest friends, and I am so happy that she asked me to be a part of her special day. My friends K and H are also bridesmaids, so I think it will be a fun night for everyone.

I do have to say, though, that this feels like a definite 'grown-up' thing. This is a marriage - this is going to be for the rest of A's life, hopefully. This is something grown ups do, get married...with my happiness comes a little bit of nervousness. I feel like we are all getting to a point where we'll have to leave the part of life we bonded in behind and become adults. I hope all of our friendships survive this transition.

Speaking of growing up, my crush M that I work with is still simply a crush - no interaction that has led to anything else. He is 33, 11 years older than me, which seems insane to me but for some reason I get so fluttery and shy around him, which is really rare when it comes to guys for me. I'm sure he looks at me like I am too young, but I'm not feeling so young these days, so who knows?

UNdecided

You know, when you're in college, you are allowed to be undecided for two years before you finally have to choose a major. In that time, I've had friends that have changed their majors up to three times before settling on that perfect one - the one where your career is going to bloom from when you graduate (if you are lucky and deserving, in four years) and will keep you satisfied until you retire at 70. Well, I chose my major the day I was accepted to VCU - Art History. I never deterred from it, never regretted it, but deep down inside I was still totally, completely and utterly UNdecided.

I still am, and I graduate in December 2010. Do I want to work in museums? Work for a publishing company - become an editor? Do I want to travel? Do I want to attempt to find a job I hate so I have the money TO travel? Do I want to write? Paint? My mind is constantly swirling with things I'd love to be able to do, mediocre skill or not, and I just can't decide.

Is 22 too young an age for such a heavy decision? I think so.