So I've decided against showing H my blog for the time being - there is just so much personal stuff on here (for me, anyway), and if I want to keep using it as a safe place for me to air my true feelings, than it should stay that way for me. Totally private and separate from my real life, like a refuge. I'm going to be spending a couple of nights at her place later this week to keep her mind off of this whole break up thing...mostly because I know how awful being in that place is, and I know how being alone suddenly brings out all these doubts and vulnerabilities that aren't there when you're with your friends.
So I have a new crush - a super small one, seeing as how I don't know the guy very well. He's cute and funny and a genuinely nice guy (all the first three checks on my 'list'), but there is just one problem...his age is so distracting! He's three years younger than me, and it's totally throwing me off. My self esteem is way too low to even consider the fact that he could ever even find me attractive, so it's not like I'm all heart-heart over the guy, but just the fact that if something DID happen, his age throws a kink into any and all plans. Is it creepy to date someone three years younger? I feel like I have sewn all my wild oats (barely any wild oats in this girl, really) and am at the time where I'm looking for something 'real'...I don't think he's at that place yet, and I doubt I could deal with the doubts of dating someone who wants to 'experience' college. The situation seems kind of hopeless, so he isn't even getting a letter to represent him in this blog yet. So we'll see how that goes...I'm not hopeful.
I did write the prologue for my new novel adventure, though...my first attempt at a novel was so wrought with complexities and totally over my head that I barely made it to double digit chapters. With this one the idea is original but still simple enough for me to really put myself into it without feeling like I'm beating a dead horse verbally. I'd love to ask one of my friends to edit and give feedback, but I just feel weird opening myself up like that...if they didn't like it, they'd never have the heart to tell me, and while I love my friends dearly, they are all either too busy to read for pleasure and I'd feel weird invading their lives like that in order for me to even decide if this novel is something that should be finished or shelved. I'm going to try to write a few more chapters in the next few months, I have a feeling when I graduate I will have all the time I need to get my creative juices flowing! ;)
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Hesitation
It's been a while since I've written, and while I'd like to think it's because my life has just become this rote thing which I'm kind of moving through but mostly observing, I'm also kind of lazy. Lately I haven't been really feeling like myself. I've been sick for the last few days, but I'm also just feeling kind of run down. It's like I go to work, I go to school, I occasionally see my friends, but inside it's like I'm watching a movie where I'm eagerly awaiting a kind of climax, or an 'exciting incident', and nothing happens. Like the entire movie so far is kind of a let down, but the movie itself still has some things I'm willing to sit through it for. I think it's a slump.
My romantic life has fallen to absolutely nothing - I don't have any crushes even at this point. Well, that could be a lie, but whereas my last crush was too old, this one is probably a little too young. And it isn't a crush, but it's just been a while since I've hung out with a straight guy that hasn't disappointed me within the first few encounters. I know it is a broad generalization, but guys my age right now are close to disgusting me with their shallowness. The point is there is nothing there, no blips on my radar, no fluttery heart sensations.
School and work are going fine. Just fine...nothing to write home about (or write here about) other than the fact that my graduation date is coming closer and closer. I desperately want to graduate, just to be rid of this awful routine I find myself in every day, but at the same time I still haven't mustered up any good ideas for what I'm going to do with myself as of December 13th.
My friend H has been having relationship problems, and I believe there was a breakup. This stupid sickness has kept me from going out and getting all the details, but I'm pretty sure they put an end to their relationship. I'm torn about it...H is an amazing woman, with a ton of potential, and deserves to be loved by a guy with a huge heart. W (her boyfriend) loves her so much, and I can of course see that, but I'm not sure if he is strong enough to be what she needs. H needs an equal, a partner - not a protector or 'guardian' figure. And I think W needs a woman who will depend on him, because I think W is a guy who is good at paying the knight in shining armor. I'm hoping they will come to some compromise and get back together...as much as I know H is a strong woman, I also know this is hurtful to her. She's good at giving us her tough side, but I'm way too much of a sap to not believe that she's hurting.
So that's where the hesitation comes in. I'm thinking of showing her this blog. Which may seem like an immediate mistake for many reasons...one being that I mistakenly thought they were moving in together months ago and that wasn't the case, so that post is kind of misleading. Also I don't want her to read his name and have any feelings she might have been trying to suppress come racing to the surface and upset her. But I think it could have some good impact - I think it's always really helpful to read about someone you're close with who has been in similar situations as yourself, and I think that the fact that I would be willing to let her read this very personal, and very private, blog would let her know that she has friends that love her very much and are close enough to trust her with that. I think that trust would really make her feel good right now.
So I hesitate to give her the URL to this...but at the same time I wonder if it would be a good idea. I'd feel bad if it upset her, and feel embarrassed if she didn't get why I would give it to her. For now I'll probably just focus on getting better, and being for her in person rather than giving her some depressing reading material.
I'm also looking to start a new diet (I'm a whale and my friends are too small to not let my fragile self esteem go off the deep end), so any suggestions would be great! I'm thinking about a smoothie diet, because those fill my stomach up for hours...also maybe a temporary lip stitching to keep me from binging on late night snacks (my worst enemy).
My romantic life has fallen to absolutely nothing - I don't have any crushes even at this point. Well, that could be a lie, but whereas my last crush was too old, this one is probably a little too young. And it isn't a crush, but it's just been a while since I've hung out with a straight guy that hasn't disappointed me within the first few encounters. I know it is a broad generalization, but guys my age right now are close to disgusting me with their shallowness. The point is there is nothing there, no blips on my radar, no fluttery heart sensations.
School and work are going fine. Just fine...nothing to write home about (or write here about) other than the fact that my graduation date is coming closer and closer. I desperately want to graduate, just to be rid of this awful routine I find myself in every day, but at the same time I still haven't mustered up any good ideas for what I'm going to do with myself as of December 13th.
My friend H has been having relationship problems, and I believe there was a breakup. This stupid sickness has kept me from going out and getting all the details, but I'm pretty sure they put an end to their relationship. I'm torn about it...H is an amazing woman, with a ton of potential, and deserves to be loved by a guy with a huge heart. W (her boyfriend) loves her so much, and I can of course see that, but I'm not sure if he is strong enough to be what she needs. H needs an equal, a partner - not a protector or 'guardian' figure. And I think W needs a woman who will depend on him, because I think W is a guy who is good at paying the knight in shining armor. I'm hoping they will come to some compromise and get back together...as much as I know H is a strong woman, I also know this is hurtful to her. She's good at giving us her tough side, but I'm way too much of a sap to not believe that she's hurting.
So that's where the hesitation comes in. I'm thinking of showing her this blog. Which may seem like an immediate mistake for many reasons...one being that I mistakenly thought they were moving in together months ago and that wasn't the case, so that post is kind of misleading. Also I don't want her to read his name and have any feelings she might have been trying to suppress come racing to the surface and upset her. But I think it could have some good impact - I think it's always really helpful to read about someone you're close with who has been in similar situations as yourself, and I think that the fact that I would be willing to let her read this very personal, and very private, blog would let her know that she has friends that love her very much and are close enough to trust her with that. I think that trust would really make her feel good right now.
So I hesitate to give her the URL to this...but at the same time I wonder if it would be a good idea. I'd feel bad if it upset her, and feel embarrassed if she didn't get why I would give it to her. For now I'll probably just focus on getting better, and being for her in person rather than giving her some depressing reading material.
I'm also looking to start a new diet (I'm a whale and my friends are too small to not let my fragile self esteem go off the deep end), so any suggestions would be great! I'm thinking about a smoothie diet, because those fill my stomach up for hours...also maybe a temporary lip stitching to keep me from binging on late night snacks (my worst enemy).
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